


For There Is Nothing Lost

by mrstater



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/M, First Time, Loss of Virginity, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Surprise Kissing, THESE BABIES, Touching, Undressing, okay maybe there's a bit of a plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 16:13:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13685196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrstater/pseuds/mrstater
Summary: After things get physical with Ben, Rey quibbles with the terminology of sex and considers what it means for their relationship.





	For There Is Nothing Lost

**Author's Note:**

  * For [bratanimus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bratanimus/gifts).



> For the prompt: "Virgins Kylo/Ben and Rey get carried away in the moment and have sex without quite meaning to do it." I loved this prompt, loved writing for it, and I hope you love reading it, Bratanimus! Title comes from Edmund Spenser's "The Faerie Queene," but ngl, I associate that more with Alan Rickman as Colonel Brandon in Sense and Sensibility. And thanks ever so much to my beta reader, who knows who she is, but cannot be named without revealing the author's identity. ;)

_What the kriff did we just do?_

In fact, Rey had rather a good idea what they'd just done, given her current position lying naked and panting beneath a man who was also naked and panting. Not knowing what they'd done wasn't so much the problem as not believing they had.

She closed her eyes and reached out for all that was real, that she _should_ believe. His breath, puffing hot and tickling in the curve of her neck as his head lolled on her shoulder. The bunk, groaning with their combined weight at the slightest movement from either of them, boring into the notches of her spine, their bodies crushing the already paper-thin upholstery too flat to cushion her from the durasteel.

His feet must be dangling off the end. Smiling, Rey opened her eyes and lifted her head to check, but she couldn't see anything except black hair and the pale rise of muscled shoulders and back. She dragged her fingernails over them and in response felt the contraction of his abdomen against her, felt him _in her_ , slack and sticky. His _mmm_ of pleasure rumbled from her core to the crown of her head, deep and dark in her ear. His lips followed, kissing the sensitive skin behind it, sucking at the lobe. Soft kisses trailed along her neck, her collarbone, until his hair feathered her cheek as he pushed himself up on his elbows and Rey saw herself mirrored in his eyes. She swallowed, heart hammering in her head, beneath his hand curled over her breast.

She and Kylo… _Ben…_

The corner of his mouth hitched upward in a crooked smile, and his hand momentarily left her breast to push his hair out of his face. "I think _what the kriff we just did_ was lose our virginity."

Rey blushed, her entire body prickling with heat he surely felt on his own skin, and she glanced away. She hadn't asked the question aloud, yet he'd answered it anyway. And she couldn't even fault him for intruding on her privacy when they were connected in every possible way: mind, soul, and now body as well. Ben ground his hips down into hers, and she tightened around him, hands gripping his shoulders, as he swelled.

After a moment clinging to him, her gaze returned to his as if he'd drawn it with the Force. _He_ hadn't, but the Force undoubtedly had brought them together. It hummed faintly around them, like the sound of a perfectly balanced blade.

"I don't much care for that term," she said.

" _Losing our virginity_?"

Rey pulled a face, and his grin cracked wider, eyes scrunching, until she wriggled a little beneath him, hips stiff from their spread position to cradle him between them. Ben took that as his cue to slip out of her at last. Although she supposed that was what she'd intended, she missed their physical connection at once--which was exactly what had gotten them into this position. Sensing this (How could he not, with her hands clutching with a rather pitiful desperation at his shoulders?), Ben tugged a rough blanket over them, wrapped his arm around her and rolled them onto their sides--the bunk screeched--trapping her thigh between his knees, tucking her head beneath his chin, and tangling his fingers in her hair. They massaged her scalp, a little too firmly, though not unpleasantly so. She relaxed fully in his arms, face buried in his chest, and breathed in his scent. _Theirs._ This must be what sex smelled like. She sighed.

"Why don't you like it?" Ben asked with the same curiosity as he'd mused, _Why is the Force connecting us?_

At first Rey didn't know what he meant, a little muzzy in the afterglow--the Force around them appeared bright in the dark of the cabin--then she remembered their conversation. She tilted her face up, pressed her lips to the swell of his throat, then shifted back on the thin shared pillow to see his face.

"It implies an innocence that doesn't suit us very well. We have tried to kill each other, after all."

An inelegant attempt at humor, she knew right away. Ben's expression darkened, the spot of light around them seeming to contract, too. His eyes darted up to the bulkhead behind her. "No. It doesn't suit me."

Rey cursed herself for the careless words. She hadn't intended them as an indictment of Kylo Ren, to set herself up as the pure one, but of course he'd taken it that way. She brought her fingers to his chin, turning his head so that he looked at her again.

" _Either_ of us," she said, stroking his jawline, prickly with a faint growth of stubble. "We've both seen so much, from the time we were very young. There was never a time when we were allowed to be innocent."

He touched his forehead to hers, so his nose bumped her cheek when he shook his head. "No," he said again, the shadows retreating.   

"And we didn't lose anything, did we?"

Or did they? Did she? Had she lost herself in a moment of passion? It wasn't the sort of thing a good Jedi would do.

One moment she'd been tinkering with the _Falcon's_ circuits. The next, he'd kissed her...and here they were.

Well--a bit had happened in between.

"How long has the autopilot been working?" Ben's voice had reached the circuitry bay before him. "Did you fix it?"

It had sounded accusatory, but Rey was learning not to let his brashness put her on the defensive.

"All I've done to this ship is bypass the compressor," she called back. "It hasn't always worked?"

The soles of his boots scraped on the floor grating as he filled the open doorway. He must be using the autopilot now, if he'd left the cockpit to come question her.

"Very little on this ship has always worked," he scoffed. "It's a flying salvage yard. Even the computer's been cannibalized from at least three different droids." He jabbed a long finger toward to the panel Rey had been working on. She turned back to it, glancing at her oscilloscope. Astromech stuff, but they weren't traveling with one.

"No wonder I've taken to her, then," she said, throwing a grin in his direction.

Miraculously, Ben didn't fire back a retort. When he did speak again, his voice was softer. Penitent? "The autopilot didn't work the last time I was on board."

And when had that been? Rey knew better than to ask. She closed the panel, dropped her oscilloscope into her belt patch, and faced him where he stood, leaning his shoulder on the door frame. "Maybe one of the people who had it after…"

She let the thought dangle as their eyes met.

"My father," he finished for her, "didn't bother to repair the autopilot because he preferred to fly this bucket of bolts himself. _She responds to a loving touch_." Pushing off the door frame, Ben stood straight and stepped toward her. "Uncle Lando used to claim--"

"You have another uncle?" Rey seized on this personal revelation; they were such rare occurrences. Ben looked like he wished he'd kept it that way.

"He's not my real uncle. Lando Calrissian was my father's…" He trailed off, not because he'd thought the better of his words, but because he seemed to be searching for them.

"Friend?" Rey suggested.

Ben's mouth twisted. "For the sake of simplicity, we'll say that. Lando was the original owner. He lost it to my father in a game of sabacc. And joined the Rebellion--" His expression further soured, as if the word tasted foul on his tongue. "--but only after he sold my parents out to…"

This time, he didn't finish the sentence because he clearly knew which words concluded it, but didn't want to say them. He looked down at his feet, hair falling into his face.

"What were you saying Lando used to claim?" Rey prompted.

Ben looked up again, pushed his hair out of his eyes. "That the _Falcon_ used to be pristine. I can't even picture it."

If she was honest, Rey had never given a second thought to the condition of the freighter's walls, door panels, hatches, and various work surfaces. For most of her life, after all, home had been the wreck of an Imperial Walker. But looking around, she had to concede that the _Falcon_ _was_ considerably more than dingy.

"Maybe we should give her a good scrub."

"All the elbow grease in the galaxy wouldn't put a dent in this filth."

"You almost make me want to try, just to prove you wrong."

"Color me surprised."

Should she be offended by that? The toes of her boots touched his, and an ache throbbed at the base of her neck from craning toward him. When had he come so close? Or had she been the one to move? The wall of circuitry panels was further from her back than it had been a moment ago. Why didn't she step back from him? Even this thought didn't make her.

"You _almost_ want to try," Ben repeated. An eyebrow twitched up to disappear beneath his hair. "But you're not going to?"

"You should know by now I take things as they are."

He regarded her with such intensity that Rey's heart juddered in the airless cavity of her chest. Time seemed to stop, too, as she waited for him to respond to her unexpected admission of feeling, to acknowledge or reject it, but he said nothing. Mumbling something unintelligible about checking the engines, she stumbled past him toward the doorway.

"You'd hate it, too," his voice sliced through the thick air.

Rey stopped, one hand grasping the doorframe, and drew a deep lungful. When she turned her head toward him, she saw Ben's face, etched with anger and the agony of giving voice to it, rather than putting his white-knuckled fist through the circuitry panels.

"This karking ship," he flung at her, as if it were no more than garbage. Well--she'd called it that, once, too. "The _Millennium Falcon._ If you'd watched it leave you behind. Alone."

A flash of memory poured through the Force--or was it the work of her own vivid imagination? She saw him, a gangling mirror to her own childhood trauma, eyes turned up to the starship streaking through the sky toward escape velocity. Escaping from him. Only where she'd screamed and struggled, Ben had borne his sorrow in silence.

Rey went to him. "You're not alone," she choked out, not knowing what else she could say. "I won't leave you." She reached up with both hands--to stroke his cheeks, or his hair back from his brow, she wasn't certain--but his hands clamped around her wrists before she could do either, tighter than the binders his Storm Troopers restrained her with.

"You did," he growled.

Leave him. On Starkiller. On the wreck of the _Supremacy._ On Crait. She'd shut the bay door of the _Falcon_ in his face, even if it had only been through their bond. That was how she knew that look of sadness he'd worn as a boy.

Before another word could pass her open mouth, Ben covered it with his own. Her first kiss, Rey thought in the millisecond of astonishment before she kissed him back. His, too _._ The way he hauled her flush against his body by the wrists was far from gentle, though not unpleasantly so; somehow, the roughness enhanced how tender his kiss was. Lips full and soft and sweet…

…and pulling away from her too soon.

"Don't stop," Rey begged, breathless. Ben's grasp on her wrists slackened, and she slid her palms over his chest, feeling the muscles through the fabric of his shirt and wishing it was his flesh bared against hers instead. But there--above his collar--his neck was so warm and his pulse beat as wildly as her own.

 _Don't leave me, not even your mouth. I won't leave you ever again._ She pushed up on her toes and pressed his neck down to meet her. They bumped noses and laughed softly, a little embarrassed, before they found the right angle to tilt their heads. With the touch of lips, she sensed him ask, _Is that a promise?_

It was everything.

For a long time, or at least it felt like it, they kept their kisses measured, almost chaste. They were learning how to do this.

Rey stroked the hair at his nape, carded it between her fingers, let it slide between them until the ends slipped free, then tangled them in it again. Ben trailed his hands from her wrists down to her elbows, cupping them, until he followed the path of her arms back up again to her shoulders. He pulled her against him, and the sweep of his tongue into her mouth jump-started her heart and everything else. It sought hers, and she let it be found, his curling around it until she became dizzy, tilted off her axis, and she fisted his sleeves in her hands to keep upright.

Thunder, as her shoulder blades pounded against durasteel. The circuitry panel door. She sensed the beginnings of an apology forming in Ben's mind for pushing her against it, but when he started to pull away to utter it she caught his lip between her teeth. She had purchase now, and liked the firm surface at her back as he leaned his body into her. He snaked one arm behind her, his forearm a muscular cushion as the fingers of the other hand moved from her shoulder to her neck, sliding his fingers along the notches of her clavicles and into the hollow of her throat.

The heel of his palm brushed the top of her breast. Rey held her breath, waiting for him to take it fully in hand. When he didn't, she released his sleeve, now bunched up and damp with her sweat, and placed her hand over his, moving it to cover her breast. With a groan, he squeezed the pliant mound, stroked his thumb over the point of her nipple through the the layers of her breast band and tunic. Both her hands found his arse, pressing it until she felt the hardness of his arousal. That made him growl and tear his mouth from hers. She was too busy gasping for breath to stop him, and didn't want to, anyway, as he covered her neck with kisses.

When his arm at the small of her back shifted downward, Rey pressed her palms to the circuitry panel to keep upright. He squeezed her arse but didn't linger there. He nuzzled at the neckline of her tunic as his hand worked its way lower until it hooked around the back of her knee, pulling her leg up along the outside of his hip. Rey's head fell back with a moan as his arousal rubbed against her. He rocked his hips into her, testing at first, then again with more pressure until balancing on one foot became increasingly more challenging.

Without meaning to, she swiped out and caught the waistband of his trousers. Ben hissed, waist cinching inward, away from the backs of her fingers. Her foot hit the floor with a thunk as he released her knee.

Had she been too forward? Misread his desire?

He assuaged her fears by tugging her tunic free of her belt and peeling the cloth upward to bare her stomach. He stooped to press his lips to her navel, and Rey divested herself of the garment, letting it fall untidily to the floor. She unbuckled her belt, oscilloscope clunking when it landed beside the tunic. A chuckle escaped her when she remembered Ben's perturbation at the _Falcon'_ s state of disorder, only to die as he kissed his way back up her abdomen and pushed her binder band up to bare her breasts. He darted a glance up at her, as though to be sure he had permission, but almost immediately his eyes snapped back down to her chest and Rey shed the band and dropped it on top of her tunic.

They looked so small in his hands, nothing at all to turn a man's head. The Supreme Leader could've had any woman he wanted in the galaxy, and Rey was nobody, from nowhere… _nothing_. But not to Ben Solo. He kissed one breast, then the other; his lips closed around her nipple, tongue rough as he tasted it. _So_ _beautiful, so sweet…_ _You're everything…_ He wanted her. Only her.

And she wanted him, as she'd never hungered for anyone in her whole life of want. Sinful, sad, and scarred--and not just his face, she discovered when she finally got him to leave her breasts alone long enough to get him out of his shirt. She only got a cursory examination of the marks on his body, the war wounds, the constellations of freckles and moles, before he enveloped her once more in his embrace.

Flesh on flesh, their passion reached a fever pitch. The next moments passed in a blur of fumbling with boots and trousers, staggering half-naked across the corridor to the crew's quarters, awkwardly groping and stubbornly refusing to break their kiss. Rey feared her bunk would break right off the bulkhead, when at last, fully nude, they fell into it, and it gave a screech of protest. Her worry about that lasted only for a moment, however, as Ben stretched out to full length over her.

With her lips and hands she explored the masculine planes and angles of his body, so different from her own, bigger, more powerful; beneath him, naked, thighs open, she was more vulnerable than she ever had been, utterly at his mercy. Yet she knew within her lay a strength that equaled his. She was not afraid of Ben, or of what he was positioning himself to do.

Would it hurt? she nevertheless wondered when she felt the touch of him at her entrance. And it did, a little, when he pushed into her. But she breathed, and she would've endured so much more to see the look on Ben's face when they joined.The image of peace and balance surely must have been reflected on her own, for she felt it, too. Finally, they'd found their place. Tears leaked from her eyes, and she saw them pooled in the dark ones gazing back at her.

He held her eyes the entire time he moved within her. Which wasn't long, it being the first time and patience not exactly one of Ben’s virtues. Long enough for Rey to feel the pleasure wrought by his erratic, constantly accelerating rhythm that carried her up, up… to hear her grunts and groans mingle with his, vocalizing as they had when they'd fought together. She'd thought they'd been as one then, but that was nothing to their voices crying out suddenly as they reached the peak, and fell.

No, Rey thought as she returned to now, the after. No, she hadn't lost herself to passion.

"We didn't lose anything," Ben agreed, his words a warm caress, a kiss. "You got me. And I got you."

 _That's a promise._ She tucked her head under his chin again, beneath the blanket, and with a sigh relaxed completely in his arms, eyes closed.

"But Rey…" His voice drew her from the edge of sleep. "Then what the kriff _did_ we just do?"

_The End_


End file.
